Keeping the Love Alive

So the wedding excitement is over. You’re back from your honeymoon and this is when reality kicks in. How can you continue to be happy as a couple in the years to come? With divorce becoming increasingly common, it can be a scary thought. Mufti Menk’s solution is simple: Be God-conscious at all times and know that you are going to return to Him one day.

[quote]He created the heavens and earth in truth and formed you and perfected your forms; and to Him is the [final] destination. He knows what is within the heavens and earth and knows what you conceal and what you declare. And Allah is All-Knowing of what lies within the hearts. {Surah At-Taghabun, 64: 3-4}[/quote]

In the chase for dunya, sometimes we forget who we are and the roles we are committed to.  Everyone makes mistakes so make today the day you start taking your role as a husband or wife seriously. Don’t let your marriage slip between your fingers. You will be accountable for it in front of Allah (subhanahu wa taala) one day.

Clothe One Another

One particular sentence in Surah Al-Baqarah caught my attention one day and it’s amazing how Allah (swt) can be so succinct and comprehensive at the same time.

[box_light]“…They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them.” { 2:187}[/box_light]

In this verse, the Allah (swt) uses clothing as a metaphor to draw a comparison between the functionality of clothes and the purpose of marital relationship in a person’s life. On one hand, the tangible function of clothing is to provide warmth or coolness, comfort, protection, concealment and adornment.

On the other, its intangible function is to reflect the person who is wearing it.  When you see a person, one of the first things you will notice about them is the clothes they wear. Naturally, people use clothes to portray a certain image and to send message about who they are. As a spouse, you are consciously and subconsciously doing all of the above, or you should be, except in a different sense of the words.

When your spouse is in need of assurance and support, you should embrace them warmly like how Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her) embraced Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) who trembled in awe and fear after he received his first revelation from Allah (swt). One of the most important roles of a spouse is to provide ease and tranquillity when they need it the most. This also means allowing them some time and space to ‘cool down’ after an argument .

As a spouse, it is also your responsibility to protect them from physical, emotional and spiritual harm.  Protect your wife or husband from the dangers of this dunya and the akhirah. Sometimes this means giving them nasiha (constructive advice) in a kind manner when you see them doing something wrong or against the teachings of Islam. Additionally, conceal your spouse’s weaknesses instead of making fun of them in front of friends and relatives even if you only meant it as a joke.

Occasionally, clothes need to be altered for various reasons. This doesn’t mean you should change who you are merely to please someone else. It simply means that sometimes compromises have to be made and egos have to be placed aside to preserve something as sacred as your marriage. Clothes say so much about a person. Similarly,  most times your spouse’s well-being says a lot about who you are as a husband or wife. If you know how to care for your finest garments, you should also take proper care of your spouse.

The clothes you wear are also a form of adornment and therefore it is something that adds beauty to your life. Although marriage will come with its trials, it is also a mercy that Allah (swt) has given us to bring happiness into our lives. So be married and be merry. Don’t make each other miserable. Like clothing, your relationship with your spouse is also a means of worship. Make the most of everyday and please one another for the sake of pleasing Allah (swt).

Husbands, always remember this verse:

[quote]“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because of what Allah has preferred one with over the other and because of what they spend to support them from their wealth.”{Sûrah an-Nisâ’: 34}[/quote]

And wives, remember this hadith:

[quote]The Messenger (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “If a woman observes her five daily prayers, fasts during the month of Ramadhan, guards her chastity and remains faithful to her husband, she may enter Paradise through any of the gates she wishes.” {Ibn Hibban – Hadith Sahih}[/quote]

 

Here are some helpful tips for the married Muslim:

Know your 3 R’s. It’s never too late to learn what are your rights, responsibilities and roles as a husband or wife in Islam.  Both husband and wife are equally responsible for the success of a marriage.

[box_light]“…And they (women) have rights (over their husbands in regards to living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (in regards to respect and obedience, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise.” {Surah Al-Baqarah, 2: 228}[/box_light]

Take time to reconnect. With the pressures of everyday life it’s easy to disconnect from each other. Make the time and effort to do good deeds together.  Get some ‘alone time’ and go on vacations together. But it’s important to spend quality time as a couple everyday. Something as simple as performing your prayers together can bring a lot of barakah into your marriage.

Set realistic expectations. Face the fact that marriage is not always going to be a bed of roses. Sometimes you will hurt each other (intentionally and unintentionally). Sometimes you will struggle financially. Sometimes you are going to have differences and disagreements. Accept these trials as part of your journey and the outcome of your perseverance and hard work will be sweet and wholesome.

Communicate honestly and effectively. Put down your phone and switch off your computer. Initiate a conversation with the one who is in front of you. Listen. Engage. Discuss. Say what you really mean instead of expecting your husband or wife to guess what you are trying to say.

Compliment each other. There is no one more deserving of your compliments than your own spouse. It is important for your spouse to feel respected, desired and appreciated even after years of marriage.  A little compliment can go a long way.

Protect your spouse’s feelings. 90% of problems are connected to how we use our words. Both men and women need to be careful of what they say and how they say it. For instance, ladies usually complain: “It’s not what you said but how you said it” so husbands, you need to take note of how you’re making them feel.  Don’t ignore the little things because they can build up to become larger problems.

Respect and honour each other. Nothing says “I love, respect and honour you” like being honest and faithful to your spouse. Dear husbands, your wife is someone’s daughter, mother and sister. How would you feel if someone was unfaithful to your daughter, mother or sister? And vice versa to wives. Don’t risk your marriage and family for something that will only give you a temporary thrill.

Lower your gaze. The Qur’an specifically tells both men and women to protect themselves by not looking at things that are forbidden to them. {Surah An-Nur, 30-31} Lowering the gaze prevents jealousy, improper thoughts and desires.

Don’t let chivalry die. Being romantic with your spouse is highly encouraged in Islam. For example, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) did activities A’isha (may Allah be pleased with her) enjoyed simply because he loved spending time with her. Learn to be romantic in a way you know your spouse would appreciate and enjoy.

Utter words of kindness and assurance. Never underestimate the value of assuring words. A lot of men think it’s not necessary to tell their wife how they feel about them because they prefer to express their love through actions but women also like to hear loving words. Ibn Assaker narrated on the authority of ‘A’isha (may Allah be pleased with her) that she said that the Prophet (peace be upon him) told her: “Won’t you be pleased to be my wife in this life and in the Hereafter?” I said: “Yes” and he said: “You are my wife in this life and the Hereafter.” Imagine how A’isha felt when she heard these words that gave her security and assurance in this dunya and the Hereafter.

Be helpful. Ladies, if your husband says he needs some peace and quiet to work at home then co-operate with him. Husbands, help out with household chores because Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was never too proud to do so. A’isha, may Allah be pleased with her, narrated: “He would patch his garments and sole his sandals” and when asked: “How was he with his family?” she responded: “He was in the service of his family until it was time for prayer, at which time he would go and pray.” {Tirmidhi}

… to be continued

Read Part 1 here:
Event Review: “The Fortunate Muslim Family: Divine Solution to the Fragmented Family” with Mufti Menk, Part 1  http://bit.ly/I3QboY

 

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Shahirah Elaiza Wan Hassan
Shahirah Elaiza is a Communication Studies graduate who is currently living in New Zealand. She is a modern-day Muslimah who is always rediscovering the true meaning of Islam and what it means to believe in God. In her spare time, Shahirah enjoys travelling and blogging about Islam, fashion and her latest adventures on her personal blog, Colours of My Life.