A Horrible Story About A Muslim Marriage Meeting
I know this story has been going around for quite some time. I’ve seen it on Tumblr, I’ve received it in my email inbox and it’s been shared on Facebook notes as well. And now I’m going to put it here followed by why I don’t understand I’m the only one who hates the story.
“Once there was a very handsome, pious, well educated young man, whose parents emphasised for him to get married. they had seen so many marriage proposals, and he had turned them all down. The parents thought it was becoming a little ridiculous or suspected that he may have someone else in mind.
However every time the parents left the girls house, the young man would always say ‘she’s not the one!’
The young man only wanted a girl who was religious and practicing, however one evening his mother arranged for him, to meet a girl, who was religious, and practicing.
On that evening, the young man, and girl, were left to talk, and ask each other questions. (As one would expect).
The young man, being a gentleman that he was allowed, the lady to ask first.
The young girl asked the young man so many questions, she asked about his life, his education, his friends, his family, his habits, his hobbies, his lifestyle, his enjoyment, his pastimes and his experiences.
The young man replied to all of her questions, without tiring, and politely, with a smile the young girl took up nearly all of the time, over an hour, and felt bad, and asked the young man do you have any questions?
The young man said, it’s ok. I only have 3 questions…
The young girl thought, wow, only 3 questions okay, shoot.
The young man’s first question was,
Who do you love the most in the world, someone who’s love nothing would ever overcome?
She said, this is an easy question; my mother, he smiled
second question, he asked, you said that you read a lot of Qur’an, could you tell me which Surahs you know the meaning of?
Hearing this she went red and embarrassed and said, I do not know the
meaning of any yet, but I am hoping to soon insha’allah I’ve just been a bit busy.
The third question the young man asked, was I have been approached for my hand in marriage, by girls that are a lot more prettier than you, why should I marry you?
Hearing this the young girl was outraged, she stormed off to her parents with fury, and said I do not want to marry this man he is insulting my beauty and intelligence.
And the young man and his parents, were once again, left without an agreement of marriage.
This time, the young mans parents were really angry, and said what did you do to anger that girl, the family were so nice, and pleasant and they were religious like you wanted. What did you ask the girl?? Tell us!
The young man said, firstly I asked her, who do you love the most? she said, her mother,
The parents said so, what is wrong with that??
The young man said, ‘no one, is Muslim, until he loves Allah, and his messenger (saw) more than anyone else in the world’
If a woman loves Allah and the Prophet (pbuh) more than anyone, she will love me and respect me, and stay faithful to me, because of that love, and fear for Allah (swt). and we can share this love, because this love is greater than lust for beauty.
The young man said, then I asked, you read a lot of Qur’an, can you tell me the meaning of any Surah?
And she said no, because I haven’t had time yet. so I thought of that hadith ‘ALL humans, are dead except for those who have knowledge’
She has lived 20 years and not found ANY time, to seek knowledge, why would I marry a woman, who does not know her rights, and responsibilities, and what will she teach my children, except how to be negligent, because the woman IS the madrasa (school) and the best of teachers.
And a woman who has no time for Allah, will not have time for her husband.
The third question I asked her was, that a lot of girls, more prettier than her, had approached me for marriage, why should I choose you?
That is why she stormed off, getting angry.
The young man’s parents said that is a horrible thing to say, why would you do such a thing, we are going back there to apologise.
The young man said I said this on purpose, to test whether she could control her anger.
The Prophet (saw) said ‘do not get angry, do not get angry, do not angry’ when asked how to become pious; because anger is from Satan.
If a woman cannot control her anger with a stranger she has just met, do you think she will be able to control it with her husband??
So, the moral of this story is, a marriage is based on,
knowledge, not looks,
practice, not preaching,
Forgiveness, not anger,
spiritual love, not lust.
One should look for a person who
1) Has love for Allah (swt) and the messenger (saw)
2) Has knowledge of the deen, and can act upon it.
3) can control her anger and another important and crucial factor. that she be
4) willing to compromise.
And it goes both ways, so women seeking a man, should look for the same things.
Insha’allah, may Allah make every marriage a success, and let us create Love for Allah and his messenger(saw) so that Allah can bless us, and create love in our lives.
Our beloved prophet (may peace be upon him) said
There is no better structure founded in Islam other than marriage.”
Okay, are you feeling all fuzzy & warm inside?
This was what I felt after reading it that very first time, and now even after reading it for a couple of times: insulted, mad, completely bewildered!
Here are the reasons why:
- The man in the story may very well be a “very handsome, pious, well educated young man” but he also has an ego (nafs) bigger than the galaxy.
Firstly, he was not satisfied with the girl’s answer that her mother is the person she loves most. Can he guarantee that he loves Allah & Prophet SAW more than everyone else? Is there a litmus test for that kind of love? We all want to love Allah and the Prophet SAW but to this day, I have never heard anyone, no scholar or saint, who claims with such pomposity that he does indeed love Allah & the Prophet SAW more than anyone. What a claim to make!
Instead, I have heard a scholar say that if you were asked if you love Allah, be silent. For if you say that you do, your actions (i.e. sins) contradict you, and if you say you don’t, you are committing blasphemy. So who is this guy to judge that lady by her response? Someone with no humility, that’s who.
- Later on he asked, “you said that you read a lot of Qur’an, could you tell me which Surahs you know the meaning of?” How is knowing the meaning of surahs a yardstick to how much knowledge one knows? Of course it’s great to know the meaning of surahs but if she doesn’t, she’s not worthy of marrying? What is his role as a husband then? To marry a female scholar and produce little scholarly babies? Please. If she doesn’t know, guide her. Don’t stand on your moral high ground and make people feel small.
- Lastly, he said, “I have been approached for my hand in marriage, by girls that are a lot more prettier than you, why should I marry you?”. Oh. My. Goodness. Is he serious? How is that line a mark of someone pious? I have never come across any instances when the Prophet SAW insulted someone that way. He SAW always made people feel special. Even when dealing with sinners, he was gentle and acted with the deepest wisdom. Who is this punk to tell the girl there are girls prettier than her and to convince him she’s the one?
Girls, if a guy ever says that to you, don’t bother answering. He is not worth your time.
How can people like that story? When I first read it months ago, I thought I was just strange (in many ways, I know I am). But honestly now, does no one else find that man in the story highly obnoxious and full of himself? Did everyone who shared or emailed or tweeted that story not see my point?
“The young girl asked the young man so many questions, she asked about his life, his education, his friends, his family, his habits, his hobbies, his lifestyle, his enjoyment, his pastimes and his experiences.”
She is doing exactly what is expected of someone who wants to get to know another for marriage. His 3 questions were completely useless & misleading. Build a marriage on reality, not in the skies. In a marriage, people’s characteristics, likes & dislikes, hobbies & pastimes are all important information to get a clear understanding of a person. His 3 questions however, were not sufficient and in fact, not enough for a marriage to work.
I cannot repeat this enough: understand the concepts of hablum min Allah & hablum min an-naas. Take care of your relationship with Allah but never neglect your relationship with people. The Prophet SAW was a deeply spiritual person, but an amazing psychologist too. He understood people’s behaviour and knew how best to talk to and relate to people.
The man in the story displayed zero Prophetic manners and I, for one, would give him a earful if he ever opened his mouth to give me his horrid responses.
A Sociology graduate and the Editor of Muzlimbuzz.sg, Ameera is a chronic reader and a news junkie. Inspiration also catches her at the most quotidian of moments alhamdulillah.